Dirty-Sock Washer

In the Gynarchy of Barbaria, laundromats employ dirty-sock washer slaves to hand-wash the customers’ dirty socks. Everything else can go into the automatic washing machines, but the sock – being the humblest of human garments – is considered fit for a footslave to wash separately and individually, and to do so with the utmost slavish respect and humility since a dirty sock is imbued with its wearer’s superior footsweat and foot-DNA.

Here we see a bright and intelligent, young woman of the Gynarchy gleefully bringing a bag full of her, and her boyfriend’s, dirty socks to add to the public sock-washer’s stinky workload. See how condescendingly she looks down upon him. She is, quite rightly, laughing at him – the washer of other people’s dirty, sweaty socks!

Even though he has a large pile of socks to wash, the slave is obliged by law to spend a lot of time on each individual sock, and to wash it in a prescribed manner, to wit:

·         He must begin by kissing the dirty sock 10 times, as a public demonstration of his admiration and respect for the customer’s sock

·         He must then audibly sniff the sock 10 times – again as a sign of his respect and sense of wonderment at being in the presence of the discarded sock of his superior

·         Then he must feel the sock with his fingers for a full 10 minutes, in order to better appreciate the texture and weave of the sock

·         Only then is he permitted to begin the actual sock-washing process, which first of all involves him placing the dirty sock (crusty toe-end first) inside his mouth for a pre-wash suck. Each sock must be sucked for a full 10 minutes, so that the slave gets to taste its human saltiness and vinegariness in all its glory

·         Only when his mouth is full of the taste of human socksweat is he permitted to extract the sock from his menial mouth and begin washing it by hand in the tub beneath his kneeling face. He has a washboard inside the tub, to help scrape any remaining sweat, dirt, toejam, and dead footskin off the sock – but no detergent; only water.  He thus becomes a dirty-sock scrubber. Needless to say he must take great care not to damage the sock during the scrubbing process – for it is the sock of his better, be it male or female, and is thus worth more than him

·         At the moment he appears to be handwashing a pair of dirty, pink, feminine socks. Note how he is very much focussed on the socks in hand, even though the condescending customer-mistress in front of him is wearing a nice pair of white socks, folded over at the cuffs, just a few feet away from where he is kneeling. That’s because he has become conditioned over many years to concentrating on his humble job in hand – assisted by the sting of the whip on his bare back, no doubt!

·         Once the socks have been washed and cleansed of all their sweat and dirt, the dirty-sock scrubber becomes a clean-sock dryer, for he must facilitate the drying of the sock by breathing on it. This too can be a lengthy process, but at least it gives the sockslave the opportunity to really study the weave of the sock and the pattern of the stitching, and to reflect on how it must look on its wearer’s foot. He must, literally, watch socks dry.

·         We should, perhaps, explain that, in addition to being fitted with a wooden sign at the back of his kneeling neck declaring him to be a ‘Dirty Sock Washer’, the slave’s stupid brain has been fitted with a ‘concentrator’ device set to the word ‘sock’ so that he is compelled to think only of socks. If his mind wanders onto any other subject – even for a split second – he gets a splitting headache thanks to an electric shock from the device. So he really has no excuse not to obsess about his customers’ socks, and to have ‘sock on the brain’!

·         Similarly he is only permitted to converse about socks. Nothing else. Usually that will involve extolling the virtues of his customers' socks in front of them, and thanking them kindly for bringing their dirty socks to him to wash.

·         The young woman in front of him can either leave her bag of dirty socks for the slave to hand-wash in her absence, returning at a pre-arranged time to collect them. Or, if she prefers, she can sit on the bench next to him and watch him wash her, and her boyfriend’s, socks – one by one. As it is quite a lengthy process, however, most customers prefer to leave the socks for collection later, as they have much better things to do with their time than watch their dirty socks being washed. By way of contrast, of course, the dirty-sock washer slave has nothing better to do with his time. He must simply wash and dry socks, all day and every day. 365 days a year (including on Xmas Day as socks don’t stop being worn just because it’s the holiday period!)

Ha! Ha! What a fool! What a knucklehead! Spending his whole life on his hands and knees washing men’s and women’s dirty, stinky socks. No wonder the young woman in front of him despises him. Soon his mouth will be full of her, and her boyfriend’s, dirty sock detritus, whilst she and her partner meet up for a sumptuous meal in the nearby fast-food restaurant. They shall eat heartily, secure in the knowledge that theirdiet shall never consist of sweaty socks containing dead footskin, sticky toejam and salty sock lint. Ha! Ha! They’re soglad that they are not a slave of stinky socks!